Self-Esteem & Confidence

Stop Negative Self Talk

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We don’t always realize it, but what we think – we feel. When we are constantly telling ourselves we are not good enough, smart enough, or only focusing on the negative things, it begins to change how we feel on a daily basis.

But what can we do?

Catch it

The first step toward unraveling negative self-talk is to identify it. Sometimes our negative thoughts are so automatic we don’t even recognize them for what they are. Paying attention to what you’re telling yourself is the first step toward changing it. One way to do this is to write your self-talk down for a week or two. You may find a pattern that you can untangle and shift in a more positive direction.

Challenge it

Don’t believe everything you think. When you have a negative thought, tell yourself to “Stop!” or “Thinking!” Then, test it by asking yourself questions like:

  • What evidence do I have, if any, that this thought is true?
  • Would my best friend say this to me?
  • If I were in a better mood, would I still see things this way?
  • How can I interpret this situation more positively?
  • What’s the worst that could happen if I do this? The best thing?
  • Will it matter in a year, or two or three?
  • Does this thought bring me closer to my goals or just get in my way?

Change it

Once you’ve learned to recognize negative self-talk, and test those thoughts that stand in your way, you’ll want to replace them with something more positive.

  • Focus on the goal: If you’re unhappy about a situation, ask yourself what steps you can take to help solve the problem.
  • Watch your language: If you’re not at your best, think, “I feel stupid” (or unattractive or whatever) rather than “I am stupid.”
  • Don’t confuse feelings with facts: You may think, “I don’t have any friends,” when the truth is you’re simply feeling lonely.
  • Let your light shine: Remind yourself that you are as deserving as anyone else of love, success and the other good things in life.
  • Give yourself a break: If you make a mistake, remember that it’s OK to be an imperfect human — just like the rest of us.

Remember that you are trying to change thought patterns that have probably been in place for most of your life. It takes time and practice, so be gentle with yourself!

Why Can’t We Accept Compliments?

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There were two nearly identical situations that came up this week with two separate friends. During regular girl conversation, one of us complimented the other on something “I really like your shirt” or “That was really nice of you to do that”. In each instance, the person receiving the compliment pointed out all the reasons why the nice shirt was really just plain and old – and all the reasons why what she did wasn’t anything special and probably the same as anyone else would have done.

Instead of simply smiling for hearing the compliment and saying “thank you”, for some reason we were compelled to contradict, minimize or offer one back.

I bet that every woman reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Counselling London Ontario Women Compliment

It was funny because both times my friends and I just looked at each other and instantly had the same reaction: “Why is it so hard for us to graciously accept a compliment?!” And then we each had a couple of stories of the exact same thing that occurred with other people in the past week.

So, I said, this is no coincidence. I’m going to look into this and figure out what is going on!

After some thought and reflection I realized that when I receive a compliment it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and I immediately have a strong urge to deflect the attention away from myself. I wouldn’t want others to think that I am self-absorbed or arrogant. I know I wouldn’t want to be thought of as someone who thinks she is better than someone else.  It feels icky.

But why? What is wrong with appearing confident and self-assured? What’s wrong with being proud? Proud of our shirt, proud of our actions and proud of our accomplishments.

Why does being proud make me feel like I’ll be judged negatively?
Counselling London Ontario Compliment

I’m thinking it goes something like this: If we agree to a compliment it implies that we think it too. Which means that we know our shirt is nice, or that thing we did was awesome. It gives “mean girls” (or people) the opportunity to talk shit about us. Girls tend to criticize other girls that appear confident. At my age I’m really hoping this doesn’t happen (but I’ve worked hard to surround myself with positive, genuine people). But we were all young girls once and it did happen. A lot. So now we protect ourselves from that possible jealousy-fueled gossip.

So this is my take on it. I’m sure I could have also gone with the “low self-worth causes us to seek confirmation of our own view of self – thus accepting negative feedback and rejecting anything positive”. Sure, that makes sense too, as do other explanations. But for today I think I’m gonna go with the girl bullies who have made us fear being judged.

I do know that next time I get a compliment I’ll smile, say “thank you” and believe it. And I’ll leave it at that. I hope you do as well 🙂

 

5 Ways to Build Your Self-Confidence

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5 ways to build self confidence counselling london ontario

How to build self-confidence

What am I so afraid of?

I don’t know about you, but throughout my life I have struggled with being able to feel self-confident and self-assured. I find myself doubting my abilities and I have negative thoughts pop into my head that tell me I’ll probably fail. It can be very discouraging at times. One of my worst ‘fears’ (and one that I continue to struggle with) is that I’ll be judged negatively by others. Even just writing this blog post I wonder what others will think when they read it – will they like it? or maybe they will think it is stupid! I have to make a conscious effort to shift my thinking out of that negative space so that I can push through the fear and do what makes ME happy. By doing things that i find to be difficult or challenging, I’ve proven to myself that I am capable and I have good reason to feel confident in my abilities.

So, I believe that all of us could benefit from a little more confidence in our lives. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel more self-confident at work, at home, and even in your relationships?

A confident person that has high self-esteem:
  •  takes responsibility for herself
  •  trusts in herself and her abilities
  •  faces her fears and expands boundaries
  •  questions criticism
  •  doesn’t blame others for her mistakes

Below I’ve listed 5 things you can start doing today that will help you feel better about yourself and find confidence in your amazing abilities!

1. Look at things you have already achieved

Many times, we look at what others are doing and compare it to what we are doing (or not doing). It can be easy to focus on what you haven’t done. If you feel like you haven’t achieved anything it can bring you down. Focusing on stuff you have done, no matter how big, can help you see all the things you have been able to accomplish.

Take a couple of minutes to write down a few things you’re proud of in your life. Think of the things you have achieved, whether it’s getting a good mark on a test or learning to drive a car. Don’t dismiss things just because they seem natural or easy to you. When you’re feeling like your confidence is low, take a look at your list to remind yourself of all the awesome things you’ve done.

2. Think of stuff you’re good at

We all have strengths and talents. Sometimes we don’t know what they are, or we don’t think of certain things as talents. Recognizing what you’re good at and trying to build on those things can be a really useful way of building confidence in your own abilities. Ask people close to you whom you trust to tell you what they see as some of your strengths.

3. Talk yourself up

I’m gonna bet that you are your own worse critic. Constantly telling yourself how awful you are won’t make you feel good or help you to get what you want. Pay attention to the negative thoughts that are putting you doBuild Self Confidence Counselling London Ontariown and try to replace them with positive ones. Sometimes it helps to ask yourself how much truth or evidence there is to support the negative things you are telling yourself.

Just be kind to yourself! Try asking “would I say that to a friend?” If not, then you shouldn’t be saying it to yourself either!

4. Set goals

Setting and achieving goals is a great way to build up your confidence. Goals can be big or small, like taking a class or baking a cake. Achieving the goals you set for yourself will prove to your inner critic that you are capable.

5. Face your fears

We all get nervous and doubt our abilities. It’s important to face your fear and step outside of your comfort zone. Doing something that makes you uncomfortable, and realizing that you CAN do it, will build your confidence and improve your self esteem.

It may seem scary now, but after doing what you fear a few times you might think “what the heck was I so afraid of?”. You may even get a bit angry with yourself because you avoided doing it for so long.

Good luck, I know you can start to have more confidence in every area of your life!

Natasha

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

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It’s time to stop being a people pleaser!

Are you a people pleaser? Do you find yourself always worrying about how other people see you? Do you do or say things that you don’t really want to just to gain the approval or validation of other people?

Pleasing others is something that I have struggled with throughout my life. Saying and doing what I thought others wanted or expected of me in an attempt to avoid conflict. I didn’t want to be perceived as uncaring, rude or selfish. I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

So what is really going on here?

Generally, the need to please others is deeply rooted in a fear of rejection, fear of failure, or both.

Fear of rejection is the thought that if we don’t do everything we can to make a person happy then they will leave or stop loving us. This fear usually originates in early relationships where love may have been conditional or where an important person in our lives rejected or abandoned us.

Fear of failure is the feeling that if you disappoint others by letting them down, you will be punished. Fear of failure can arise from childhood experiences where small mistakes resulted in severe or drastic punishment.

To deal with these anxiety provoking underlying thoughts and beliefs that developed when we were young, we strive to make sure that we do everything we can to please those around us.

No one has the right People PleaserAlthough it’s nice to care about other people and do nice things for them, we can’t exchange our own values and sense of self-worth for it. When we are putting the needs and wants of others ahead of our own, we are really sacrificing our own happiness. We are not living a life that is true to our self.

Below are a few tips to help you ensure that your actions are congruent with your own beliefs.

  1. Re-discover your own needs and values, and stick by them: What are your needs, values and goals? It’s time to realize what is truly important to you. Think of some times when you felt happy, proud and fulfilled. Accept that your needs are just as important and valid as other people’s. No one is going to come along and fight for our needs for us; that’s our responsibility and ours alone.
  1. Don’t apologize: People pleasers apologize a lot as if everything is their fault. Your partner didn’t sleep well last night? There isn’t any food in the fridge? You are not responsible if someone didn’t sleep (unless you had the music going all night). It is not your purpose in life to make sure there is always food in the fridge. Next time you feel you are about to apologize – DON’T.
  1. Stop Feeling Responsible for the Emotions of Others: Similar to #2, we must remember that we are not responsible for how others feel. If you say “no” to a friend and that makes her mad, that’s her issue – not yours. Your values and opinions are yours and you have them in place for a reason. You should not pretend to be something you’re not just because you don’t want to offend or upset someone.
  1. Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Approval from Others: Our self-image is a picture in our mind of what we think we are like. As a people pleaser we might see ourselves as a good person with decent values who cares about other people. In an effort to feel approved of and feel loved, we are always seeking validation of our self image. Seeking this approval means our own self-worth is determined by what other people think of us. Remind yourself that you don’t need this external approval to believe that you are a worthy person.Say yes to others People Pleaser
  1. Learn to Say NO: Many of us were raised to believe that if we said “no” it meant that we were selfish and people might not like us. Sometimes saying “no” to someone else means we are saying “yes” to ourselves. This does not make you a bad person or unlikable. If anything it will gain respect from others as they see that you care enough about yourself to set healthy boundaries – and you aren’t afraid to stick to them. You can find tips on asserting yourself here