As humans, we all want to feel like we belong and that others understand what we are going through. We want to feel happy, fulfilled and like we are connecting with others. However, oftentimes the people around us just don’t make us feel happy or like they understand our personal experience. We continue to chase and pursue them over and over again with the hopes that they will meet our needs, yet they continually respond in a way that isn’t what we want.
This leaves us feeling more frustrated and misunderstood than ever. It’s exhausting.
Many of our family relationships look like this. Fathers, mothers, siblings, spouses – we are chasing after them for something they are probably never going to be for us. Until we come to realize that we can’t make someone act or react in a certain way, we will continue to struggle. You’re never going to feel understood and you’re never going to feel like you are enough.If it’s not safe to be vulnerable with certain people – then you should not be vulnerable with them. It doesn’t mean that you have to cut them out of your life, it just means that you only share so much of your life with them. You must stop chasing after them with the hopes they will be someone they are not, or that they will provide support and validation that they aren’t willing (or able) to give. It’s ok that they can’t be that for you, it’s just who they are. It might be surprising to you how the relationship changes for the better once you stop placing expectations on such people.
And to be honest, these people owe us nothing. They are not responsible for our happiness; we are responsible for our own happiness. No one else.
It’s time to start looking inward instead of outward for validation, approval and understanding. Try to find in yourself what you have been searching for in others. Yeah I get it, if you’re upset about something you want someone to talk to and validate your experience. However, assurance from external validation is temporary. Even if you get that moment of feeling good about yourself, it quickly fades and you’re back looking for the next source of validation.
It’s up to you to love yourself unconditionally and know that you are already worth love and belonging. Learn to hold space for your own internal thoughts and experience. Remind yourself that your experience is valid because it’s yours. It exists and that’s ok. You’re allowed to have it, so be kind to yourself.
Learn how counselling can help you to feel like you are enough.