Counselling & Therapy

Counselling and therapy advice from London Ontario.

Starting Therapy: What to Expect and How to Prepare

, , ,

Psychotherapy is a powerful tool for improving your mental health and well-being. But it can be scary to start seeing a psychotherapist for the first time, especially if you don’t know what to expect. This guide will help you understand what goes into a good therapy experience, how to find a registered professional who’s right for you, and how to make sure that the process is actually working for you. Whether or not you’re currently struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma or other life stressors, this article will help demystify therapy so that you can make an informed decision about whether it’s right for you or not.

What to expect when you start therapy.

When you start counselling, it’s important to know what to expect. The first session usually consists of information gathering on the part of the psychotherapist. They will ask about your symptoms, what you’ve been going through and you will discuss your goals for therapy. Together, you’ll also talk about what kind of treatment might help you most effectively overcome depression, anxiety or any other concerns you’d like to work on.

How to find a therapist.

Finding the right therapist in London Ontario is an important part of your experience. When you find a good fit, it will make all the difference in whether or not you get what you need out of your sessions.

To begin your search for a psychotherapist:

  • Ask friends and family if they know anyone who might be a good fit for you. They may have heard of someone who had a positive experience with a certain clinic or professional, or they know of someone personally that they can suggest.
  • Look at websites of local therapists in your area. You can also search online directories such as Psychology Today where there is information about each practitioner and the areas they specialize in.

How to get the most out of therapy.

The best way to get the most out of therapy is to be prepared to talk about your feelings. This means being open and honest with yourself, as well as your therapist. You should also be prepared to ask questions if you are confused or unsure of something. The same goes for your therapist; they may have some questions they want answered in order to help better understand what’s going on or where you might go next. With time, you should begin feel comfortable being vulnerable in your sessions, which means sharing information that might make you uncomfortable or even challenges who you think or believe yourself to be. It might not feel like it right now but trust us when we say that this is a good thing!

Find out what your health insurance covers.

If you have health insurance, make sure to check with your provider to see what kind of coverage they offer. Many insurances cover psychotherapy and social work services. Your therapist will provide you with everything you need to send to your insurance company for possible reimbursement.

Be prepared for the financial aspects of therapy

Counselling is an investment in yourself and your wellbeing. The cost is usually over $120 per session, so it’s important to understand what your insurance will cover before you start. If your insurance does not cover mental health services, you may have to pay out of pocket for this coverage. Note that in Ontario, our health benefits do not currently cover counselling and psychotherapy services. However, there are some community programs that offer reduced rate counselling, often times with long waitlists.

Most mental health professionals are generally able to provide some flexibility around how often and long sessions are each week based on a client’s needs and budget. They might be able to work with clients at a discounted rate if finances are a barrier for starting therapy.

Most professionals and clinics will require that you pay them directly and will provide you a receipt to submit to your insurance company for possible reimbursement. Others may offer direct billing and charge your insurance company directly (if applicable). Make sure you ask what forms need to be filled out prior to scheduling an appointment so nothing is forgotten!

Don’t be afraid to ask questions!

Asking questions might sound simple enough, but when you’re in the middle of a session and feeling vulnerable, it can be hard to think clearly about what questions are most important for you at that moment. A good therapist will always encourage their clients to ask whatever comes up during their sessions; if they don’t seem open minded on this issue, it may be time to look elsewhere for help.

It’s also important that you don’t just ask any old question—after all, there are plenty of therapists out there who could answer some pretty basic inquiries without much effort or investment from their clients (and probably would). Instead focus on asking those questions that matter most: ones about specific concerns or issues you have regarding the process itself; ones about things they may have said that felt confusing, or that you didn’t quite understand. By asking these types of questions early on in treatment (if not before), both parties will know whether or not they’re comfortable proceeding further together down this path together!

Answer your therapist’s questions honestly and openly

  • Be honest. It’s important to be as honest as possible, which means being open and upfront about how you feel and what you’re thinking. Never hold back or lie on purpose; if your feelings are hurt, it’s okay to say so in therapy. You should also share all of your thoughts without worrying that they’ll make anyone uncomfortable or upset you in some way.
  • It can take some time to build trust with your therapist, and you may not want to share certain things right away – and that is ok! Trust yourself and your own comfort level. Remember, they are trained to be non-judgmental and support you with unconditional positive regard.
  • Don’t pretend things are okay when they’re not: If something is bothering or upsetting you, don’t hide it because someone else might think differently than how you do (e.g., “I can’t believe they said/did that”). Your therapist is there as a sounding board for whatever bothers you, without judgement.

Therapy can help you feel better, but only if it’s a good match between you and your therapist.

It can be easy to get caught up by the idea that your therapist is “the one.” You start to feel like they know you better than anyone else. But nobody can really know what’s going on inside someone else’s head—and that includes mental health professionals.

Therapy is a process of self-discovery. It’s important to remember that while they may be able to help guide you toward certain insights and new ways of perceiving yourself and others, ultimately it will be up to you whether or not these things stick.

Counselling isn’t a quick fix for mental health problems—you have to commit time and energy into getting better before any real progress will be made. It takes time for feelings of depression or anxiety to fade away; if you leave therapy too soon without making significant progress toward understanding yourself better, then those feelings are likely just going to come back stronger than ever before.

Conclusion

Hopefully, this article has given you a better understanding of what to expect when starting therapy in London Ontario and how to find the right professional for you. Remember, therapy isn’t just something that happens once a week or even once a month; it’s a process that will help you improve your life day by day, week by week. If at any point during this process something doesn’t feel right or like it’s working for you, don’t be afraid to ask questions or consider searching for another professional. We hope that reading through these tips has helped ease some of your anxiety about the process — now all that’s left is finding a psychotherapist who fits into your unique needs as an individual.

Psychotherapy for Anxiety

, , , ,

Anxiety can cause us to feel like we are losing control of ourselves, of our situation and of our minds. It is a protective alarm system that helps alert us to danger. But, if you suffer from excessive anxiety, your alarm system may be hypersensitive.

It can also be the result of an active, creative mind getting tangled up in itself. Usually this is through the generation of a variety of ideas; ideas that spiral out of control. Sometimes, our brains send us the wrong message and we panic, or worse, become depressed because we are simply overwhelmed.

Mindfulness is a tool that can be used to have your mind work for you, instead of against you. Other tools (that you will learn about below) can also be developed and will help you to have a plan in place that will allow for you to be better prepared to handle an anxiety attack when it comes on, and to help stop anxiety from getting worse.

Identifying Your Anxiety

Understanding your anxiety is the first and most important step, so you will need to ask yourself some questions and then come up with some honest answers. You may even find that some of these answers are obvious while others lead to startling realizations or more questions.

Try answering the following questions. It is best to write down the answers so that you can review them any time you need to and you will have them to refer to later.

  1. What is happening when you first start to feel anxious?
  2. Is there someone, or multiple people, in your family that also suffer from high anxiety or depression?
  3. Is there anything that just thinking about it that makes you anxious?
  4. Who can you talk to about your anxiety?
  5. Do you have any physical signs or symptoms? Such as:
  • Headache
  • Tight chest
  • Difficulty breathing
  • Sweating
  • Other (the list can be long)
  1. What are your top triggers? Can you identify them?

Tracking Your Anxiety

Tracking your anxiety is a key tool in identifying patterns that may creep up on your and will help you to respond to them in a positive manner and hopefully not with the usual panic you feel. Bullet journals are a more recent and quicker way of keeping track of the day-to-day, without the length of a traditional journal. There are a variety of examples on Pinterest from which you can choose.

When you identify an anxious moment, it is also important to note what you were thinking during this moment.

What was the intrusive thought, what were your physical symptoms, and give your anxiety a rating from low to high. Then, you will want to review your journal either at the end of the day or the end of the week, depending on the frequency of anxious episodes you experience.

By noticing your patterns, you will be better able to tackle them with the proper knowledge and strength that you will process from applying the tools you have learned. Keep in mind that avoiding any triggers or patterns will not help you in the long run but rather will prevent you from moving forward.

Avoidance also has a habit of making a situation worse, because you will continue to build the anxious thoughts up in your head making them seem worse than they actually are. You should remind yourself daily that avoidance may provide short-term relief but is not a permanent solution.

Learning how to face an anxious moment head-on will ultimately be what will allow you to move forward with your life.

Watch for our next post that has practical mindfulness tips and techniques you can use to help calm and ease your anxiety.

Suicide Prevention Through Emotional Wellness and Addiction Recovery

, ,

Suicide Prevention Picture

Suicide is a serious public health issue causing immeasurable pain, suffering and loss to individuals, families and communities nationwide. Nearly 40,000 people in the United States take their own lives every year, a statistic that exceeds the death rate of homicide, automobile accidents and AIDS combined. The causes of suicide are complex, though most often are powerful combinations of mental illness and/or substance abuse.

Suicide prevention efforts seek to reduce factors that increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors while increasing factors that help strengthen, support and protect individuals from suicide. Two such factors are emotional wellness and addiction recovery.

Emotional wellness

Emotional wellness inspires self-care, relaxation, stress reduction, relational intimacy and development of inner strength. In response to negative feelings, emotional wellness allows acceptance of those feelings, understanding of their source and the ability to learn and grow from those experiences. Emotional health strongly influences physical health that also plays a key role in overall wellness.

Pursue emotional wellness by practicing the following strategies:

  • Process occurrences with optimism.
  • Purposefully smile.
  • Show gratitude in order to strengthen relationships with family and friends.
  • Concentrate on mindfulness through various forms of meditation.
  • Accept your imperfection and the resulting mistakes as opportunities to learn.
  • Seek or accept help and support from others when needed.

Signs of emotional turmoil and the need for help include:

  • Withdrawing or isolating oneself from relationships.
  • Acting anxious or agitated, or behaving recklessly.
  • Sleeping either too little or too much.
  • Increasing use of alcohol or drugs.
  • Feeling hopeless or like a burden to others.
  • Experiencing extreme mood swings.
  • Fantasizing suicide.

If emotionally unwell and struggling against suicidal ideation, first understand that you are not alone. Feeling suicidal is not a symptom of character defect, but one of overwhelming pain. With treatment and support, however, this pain will pass, and suicide will have been a permanent and destructive ‘solution’ to a temporary problem. If you find yourself unable to consider solutions other than suicide, it is not that they don’t exist, but that you are currently blinded to them. Seek guidance from trusted counselors, friends or loved ones.

Addiction recovery

While depresion and other mood disorders are the leading risk factors for suicide, alcohol and drug abuse follow closely. In fact, research has shown that the strongest predictor of suicide is not psychiatric diagnosis, but alcoholism. People with substance abuse disorders are six times more likely to commit suicide than the general population.

Substance abuse not only increases the likelihood that a person will take their own life, but can also provide the means for committing suicide. Roughly one in three people lost to suicide are under the influence of drugs, usually opiates such as oxycodone, heroin or alcohol. Depressants such as these can trigger symptoms of depression, increasing the threat of suicidal ideation, as well as lower inhibitions, enabling people to take risks that they ordinarily would not.

The most ideal setting for addiction recovery is inpatient treatment, which often yields greater success that outpatient treatment or various single solutions. One clear benefit is that inpatient addiction treatment involves the addict surrendering to thorough care for a length of time.

Other uniquely beneficial attributes of inpatient addiction treatment are isolation and protection from negative influences, around-the-clock support from teams of specialists who genuinely care and multi-layered approaches that include detoxification, return to normal functionality and acceptance of change.

There is hope for suicide prevention through the practices of emotional wellness and addiction recovery.

Guest post written by Melissa Howard who is the Head of Prevention Outreach for StopSuicide.info

Stop Negative Self Talk

, , ,

We don’t always realize it, but what we think – we feel. When we are constantly telling ourselves we are not good enough, smart enough, or only focusing on the negative things, it begins to change how we feel on a daily basis.

But what can we do?

Catch it

The first step toward unraveling negative self-talk is to identify it. Sometimes our negative thoughts are so automatic we don’t even recognize them for what they are. Paying attention to what you’re telling yourself is the first step toward changing it. One way to do this is to write your self-talk down for a week or two. You may find a pattern that you can untangle and shift in a more positive direction.

Challenge it

Don’t believe everything you think. When you have a negative thought, tell yourself to “Stop!” or “Thinking!” Then, test it by asking yourself questions like:

  • What evidence do I have, if any, that this thought is true?
  • Would my best friend say this to me?
  • If I were in a better mood, would I still see things this way?
  • How can I interpret this situation more positively?
  • What’s the worst that could happen if I do this? The best thing?
  • Will it matter in a year, or two or three?
  • Does this thought bring me closer to my goals or just get in my way?

Change it

Once you’ve learned to recognize negative self-talk, and test those thoughts that stand in your way, you’ll want to replace them with something more positive.

  • Focus on the goal: If you’re unhappy about a situation, ask yourself what steps you can take to help solve the problem.
  • Watch your language: If you’re not at your best, think, “I feel stupid” (or unattractive or whatever) rather than “I am stupid.”
  • Don’t confuse feelings with facts: You may think, “I don’t have any friends,” when the truth is you’re simply feeling lonely.
  • Let your light shine: Remind yourself that you are as deserving as anyone else of love, success and the other good things in life.
  • Give yourself a break: If you make a mistake, remember that it’s OK to be an imperfect human — just like the rest of us.

Remember that you are trying to change thought patterns that have probably been in place for most of your life. It takes time and practice, so be gentle with yourself!

Tips for Effective Communication

Communicate More Effectively in all your Relationships

Good communication is the foundation for every relationship, and it’s also one of the hardest things to establish. Couples often have a hard time communicating, not because they aren’t listening, but because they aren’t ‘hearing’ what their partner is saying. Here are some things you can do to foster understanding and create more effective communication in your relationship.

Talk Back

One thing you can do to communicate more effective with you partner is to repeat back what he or she has said to you. That doesn’t mean you should sound like a parrot, it means paraphrasing what you think they’ve said and checking in with them to see that you got it right.

You are letting your partner know you are trying to understand the meaning behind what they are saying. A lot of conflict can be avoided if you get your own filters out of the way.

Improve Communication London Ontario

Give Your Attention

This isn’t the time to be on your phone, watching TV or scrolling social media. Put away the distractions and give your partner your full attention. If you are in the middle of something when approached, state that you would like to hear what they have to say as it’s important to you and let them know when you will be finished.

Remember, if you do this, you must make yourself available to them when you are done. This isn’t a way to escape the conversation!

Be Direct

When we are indirect people usually don’t get the message we are trying to convey. In some ways it makes sense that you would want to avoid conflict or confrontation, but not being direct often leads to misunderstanding. The simple truth is that not being direct often leads to more of the conflict you’re trying to avoid by being indirect. In fact, if you were to pay attention for a day or two, you’d probably be amazed at how often you use wiggle words instead of making a direct statement about something.

Ask Questions

Another effective tool is to ask questions. Not the interrogating kind, but the ones that draw your partner into a conversation. This does two things: on the one hand, it engages your partner and, on the other, it helps get you past the habit of being indirect.

By asking a question, you soften the entry into a conversation. Asking direct questions, rather than skirting a conversation, is the best of both worlds. Try using open-ended questions, as they require more than one word answers.

Remember, good communication is a two-way street. Your goal should be to find a comfortable balance between talking, asking, and listening in order to ensure that your communication flows freely both ways.

 

Natasha provides counselling services in London that can help you to improve your communication and your relationships!

Is Therapy Right for Me?

, ,

You might be thinking about reaching out to a counsellor or psychotherapist but you are unsure if therapy is right for you.

Some people who have never been to a counsellor are unsure if their problems or concerns warrant counselling or therapy. Due to this uncertainty, they take no action. Most times when left unresolved, problems grow and become more complicated. I have found that when issues are addressed sooner rather than later, it is easier to understand what changes need to be made and, through feeling supported, clients can begin to get past (or deal with) the difficult situation. Dealing with Problems in Therapy

Most people that contact me have pretty much already decided that they want to start counselling. There is usually a sense of urgency due to a specific crisis going on in their lives and they’ve realized that they are no longer able to handle it on their own. They have made the decision to reach out and start to explore their options for feeling better.

Then there are other people that have more of a longer term sense of dissatisfaction with their lives. There may not be any specific situation or crisis going on, but rather they just don’t feel fulfilled – maybe like something is missing. They might feel that they are not the best version of themselves, they feel stuck, misunderstood or have always struggled in relationships.

Whatever might be going on, it is never a bad idea to choose to go to counselling, even for one or two sessions. Similar to preventative medicine, addressing issues early on can oftentimes avert a potential crisis.

I also make sure my clients understand that the therapy process doesn’t have to be an “all or nothing” journey. Oftentimes, once clients start to feel better and begin to make changes in their lives, they will leave more time between booked appointments. As they continue to improve, I make sure they know that my door is always open and they are welcome back anytime. Since we have already taken the time to build our relationship (which is arguably the most important factor for success in therapy), it is easy for them to book a “touch up” session whenever they need it.

If you have any questions or want to learn more about how counselling can help, I invite you to explore my website or contact me.

What Does Living Authentically Mean?

, , , , , , ,

I’m always telling my clients, in one way or another, about how important it is for them to find their voice, follow their heart and do what’s right for them. I’m sitting here on this beautiful sunny morning trying to write a blog post and I’m struggling. Why is it so difficult for me to get my thoughts out right now? I got up around 8am today ready to knock off a killer blog post.

That being said, I’m really not much of a morning person but lately I’ve been trying to force myself to go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier – because that’s what my spouse says is “normal”.

Hmm ok it’s normal…but normal for who? I don’t have any kids, I make my own schedule for work and, honestly, I just don’t like early mornings! If I get up too early I’m grumpy and don’t function very well. I’m just sluggish and slow throughout the day.counselling-london-authentic-life

So now I’m asking myself, why the hell am I doing it? Why do I feel all of this external pressure to be something that I’m not?

Oftentimes, in our need to please others and do what is “acceptable” we forget to check in with the most important person – ourselves! But sometimes it’s difficult to know who we are because it goes against what we are taught growing up or what we think we should be. A lot of the time our ideas about what we should be are not our own. They’re absorbed from other people like our parents or older siblings, from TV, advertising, marketing etc. These are incredibly influential forces that dictate what we believe we want and how we view ourselves.

I attempted running once. I saw so many people running and loving it – all the while getting into shape. I felt like I was missing out so I decided to lace up my running shoes and go for a nice jog around my block. Well, I live in the country and a block is about 8 km. Worst decision ever. By the time I realized I was close to death and needed my couch, turning around was about the same distance from home if I kept going. Two hours later I made it home. I decided then that running was not for me. And yes, I understand it takes time to adjust and train yourself but why would I torture myself training to do something that I really don’t like to do? Just because I see others doing it and getting pleasure from it doesn’t mean it’s right for me. I accept that now (happily).

When we don’t allow ourselves to experience our true feelings and we try to portray feelings that are not authentic, over time we can start to experience depression or anxiety. We might even start to feel empty and unfulfilled.

Imagine a time when you agreed to do something but the whole time you were doing it you just wished you could be anywhere else doing anything else. You felt that way because you really didn’t want to do it, but you felt external pressure to say yes. Sometimes, you might not consciously realize that you don’t enjoy something because you have been influenced to think it is a part of who you are (or should be). Other times, you know what you want and need, but are too afraid to speak up. Your need to please others comes ahead of your need to please your authentic self.London Counselling Women

I believe we find freedom and happiness when we act in ways that honour our authentic self. This happens when how we feel and act become congruent with our own thoughts and values. Throughout each day, start asking yourself if you’re being true to your deepest intentions. Examine your values and the driving force behind your actions, especially ones that make you feel less than awesome.

It’s OK that I like to stay up late. It’s OK that my blog posts are far from perfect. Writing has become a lot easier now that I am doing it in a way that feels good to me instead of editing myself for the sake of what I believe others expectations to be.

 

Want to learn more about Counselling services in London for women?

Expanding Your Comfort Zone in Therapy

,

A big part of being successful in life is to push your boundaries and step outside of your comfort zone. The same goes for finding success in therapy. Trust me, no one really enjoys the anxious feelings that come with moving beyond their bubble of safety. But outside that bubble is truly where all the magic happens. It’s where we are able to grow, learn and develop in a way that expands our horizons beyond what we thought was ever possible.Comfort Zone Therapy

When thinking about starting psychotherapy, you may be faced with feelings of fear and uncertainty. For some, it is the thought of taking the first step or making that initial call to a psychotherapist that makes you feel uncomfortable. You are unsure of what to expect regarding the process and may be wondering if therapy can even help you. I want you to know that this is a normal reaction.

The initial phone call to a therapist should hopefully help you feel better and give you a sense of hope.

Asking for help does not mean you are weak. Please understand that reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. The therapist you contact will likely ask you a few questions to gain a better understanding of your situation as well as to determine if you are a right fit for each other. They will be open to answer any questions you have (don’t be afraid to ask) and book an appointment that works for you – if you are ready.

That’s it!

Well, that’s not quite it but it really is an amazing first step!

Once you begin therapy and start to build a secure and trusting relationship with your therapist, you may at times find difficulty with opening up and talking about your feelings. Again, this is a normal part of the process. It may be that you have never felt safe being vulnerable, fear being judged, or maybe you are confused about your emotions and don’t know how to put what it is you are feeling into words.

Remember, you are not alone in this.

Your therapist should be skilled and competent enough to help you open up and explore, as well as be able to help you clarify and process your feelings and feel understood. The development of a secure, trusting relationship between client and therapist is one of the most important factors in achieving positive outcomes in therapy. comfort zone psychotherapy London ontairo

Throughout the counselling process of changing the way you think, feel, or behave, you usually have to try out new ways of doing things, like standing up for yourself or shifting your thought process. Implementing these changes in the real world can sometimes make you anxious or uncomfortable. Doubt might set in. Continue to slowly push yourself through the icky feelings of fear and insecurity and trust that the feelings will go away once you become more confident. Your comfort zone will naturally grow and amazing things will happen.

For most people seeking therapy, one or all of the situations noted above will likely happen at some point throughout the therapeutic process. It is normal and your therapist should be able to pick up on your hesitations and address them so that you feel more comfortable and are able to move forward making the changes you desire.

No matter what goal or dream you have, I want you to remember that you do have the strength inside you to push past your comfort zone and take the chances you need to find success and happiness in your life and relationships. Because, after all, that is where all the magic happens.

Signs of Depression

,

Everyone feels sad or down from time to time, maybe due to stress or a particular situation. But when these feelings go on for longer than a couple of weeks and your daily life becomes affected, you may have depression.

You might feel like each day, each moment, is a struggle for you. It’s really difficult to do the regular things you are used to doing. But that doesn’t’ mean that you aren’t doing them. Even if you might laugh with a friend or do something you enjoy, deep down you are still fighting the monster that is depression.

So how do you know if you are depressed? I’m going to discuss a few symptoms that, when you have them together, might indicate that you have depression.

Feeling Hopeless
The first symptom, and probably the most common, is feelings of hopelessness and/or constant pessimism. Feeling like you have no future and that things will never get better, no matter what you do. Feeling like you have no control over your life and that it doesn’t matter anyhow because these feelings just aren’t going away.

Loss of Interest in Things
The second symptom of depression is a loss of interest in daily activities. So maybe you used to enjoy a sport, reading or some other hobby. Now you have no interest in doing any of it. This includes sex.

Changes in Appetite and Sleep Patterns
Another sign to look for is changes in appetite and sleep patterns. A significant change in body weight that isn’t attributed to an existing eating disorder. Difficulty falling or staying asleep is quite common, as well as oversleeping – you might find it difficult to get the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

Loss of Energy
This leads me to the next symptom of depression – loss of energy. Yep. You feel fatigued and physically drained. This contributes to feeling like you just don’t want to do anything because it takes so much energy for even small tasks.Signs of Depression London Ontario

Suicidal Attempts or Suicidal Ideation
If you are having thoughts of suicide or harming yourself, you should seek help immediately. Call 911, a crisis line in your area or call or go to your local hospital.

Feelings of Anger or Irritability
You might be easily agitated with a short temper. Everything and everyone gets on your nerves and you have little patience for simple things. But no wonder! You’re having trouble sleeping, you aren’t finding pleasure in things, you feel hopeless, of course you are irritated!

This list consisted of 6 of the most common symptoms of depression. Remember, we are all individuals and depression manifests differently in each of us.

What should your next step be? If you feel you might be depressed, I want you to know that there is help out there. Depression is something that you can fight and you can get through. Please start by reaching out to your doctor and your therapist if you have one. Talking about it with a trusted friend or family member can help too.

Treatment usually involves a combination of social support, lifestyle changes, emotional skills building, and seeking professional help.

 

9 Assertiveness Techniques To Help Reinforce Your Personal Boundaries

, , , ,

Assertiveness Techniques used to set your boundaries.

Boundaries act as stop signs or borders you install to protect your energy, resources, time, and personal integrity. They make a clear statement that you are in charge of these things. Boundaries essentially define who you are. If you treasure yourself, it is important that you put good boundaries in place. You must be clear where you end and others begin.

Boundaries and Assertiveness Techniques1Some boundaries are flexible like a fence with a gate. You may choose to let someone in when you are ready. Other boundaries are inflexible, as a fence with no gate. For instance, inappropriate touch would be something requiring an inflexible boundary.

Anxiety plays a part in how our boundaries function. If anxiety is high, we lose track of what our need is in face of the need of the other person with whom we want connection in order to feel safe or soothed. Thus we lose our sense of self due to anxiety reaching a level that is beyond tolerance. We then look to others as a way to spread the anxiety around or in an attempt to contain it.

Assertiveness helps you communicate with honesty, cultivate authentic relationships, better understand your own feelings and get your needs met. Assertiveness entails having a strong sense of self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries. One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent about what you want/need WITHOUT getting angry, irritated, or loud.

1. BROKEN RECORD TECHNIQUE: This procedure is used to break the belief and habit pattern that makes what you say dependent upon what someone else says first. This old habit is based on our belief that when someone speaks to us, we should have an answer and should respond specifically to whatever the other person says.

  • Keep saying what you want to say
  • Ignore all side issues brought up by the other
  • Use calm repetition

The purpose is to communicate repeatedly to the person we are asserting to. “I will not be put off. I can and will do this all day until the desired result is achieved.” Parents should know that children do this very well!
A workable compromise is okay if self-esteem in not relinquished.

2. FOGGING OR CLOUDING: This works well when dealing with negative criticism and also reduces frequency of criticism from others. It sets up psychological distance and boundary lines between you and the person you fog.

  • “You people never get anything right!” Answer: “You seem quite frustrated, Let’s see how we can work this out.”

You do not respond to the critic’s statement that has the negative implication that you are incompetent, faulty, or guilty. You simply respond to the affect, which in this case is that he is angry.

3. NEGATIVE INQUIRY: Useful mostly with people with whom you are close. This allows you to distinguish between the truth that people tell you about yourself and the manipulative structure of right or wrong they try to impose on you.

You do not respond to the critic’s statements of wrongdoing with denial, defensiveness or counter-manipulate with criticism of them. You do break the manipulative cycle by actively promoting further criticism of you or prompt more information about the statements of wrongdoing in an unemotional, low-key manner.

  • “I don’t understand what it is about my going fishing that is bad.” Purpose: This approach prompts the critic to examine his/her own structure of right and wrong.
  • “How is it that you see me as being opinionated?”
  • “You say that I do not appreciate you. Tell me some more so I might understand your concern.”

4. NEGATIVE ASSERTION: Acknowledgement- Hold the excused! – This allows you to look truthfully at your behavior and own your mistakes without justifying or defending yourself.

  • “You are right, I was careless about locking up.”

This skill promotes self-acceptance and minimizes the critic’s anger and hostility. When there is no argument or defense offered there is nothing to push against. Therefore, the situation and emotions don’t escalate.

5. PUTTING THE BALL BACK IN THEIR COURT: This is an effective way of putting off inappropriate questions.

  • “Why do you need to know?”
  • “Why would you ask such a question?”

6. ASSERTING YOUR RIGHT NOT TO ANSWER THE QUESTION:

  • “I do not feel comfortable answering that question.”

7. MOMENTARY DELAY:

  • “That’s interesting. Let me think about that for a minute.”
  • “I don’t quite understand, would you repeat that?”

8. TIME OUT:

  • “I will have to think about my answer and bet back to you on that.”
  • “Time out, I’m upset right now. I know I will be better able to deal with this tomorrow.”
  • I think what we are talking about is important and I’d like to talk to you about it some more tomorrow.”

This is very affirming to the other person, yet it sets a limit on the conversation.
If the other person demands an answer you can say, “If you must have an answer now, the answer is “No.”

9. PROBING OR CLARIFYING: Useful when you cannot tell if the criticism is constructive or manipulative when you do not understand the criticism, or when you think you’re not getting the whole story. To do this pick out the part of the criticism the critic feels most strongly about.

  • “What is it that bothers you about my…? (for instance, “about my work?”)
  • “What is it that bothers you about me leaving the office at five each night?”

Keep probing in a non-defensive way until you are very clear on exactly what the criticism is. You can then thank the person for explaining the situation to you. You have not defended, nor have you plead guilty. You have heard the person out and gotten the critic very clear on what it is that bothers them.

 

 

RESOURCES:
McKay, Matthew, Davis, Martha, and Fanning, Patrick, Messages.
Bower, Gordon and Bower, Sharon, Asserting Yourself.