Boundaries & Assertiveness

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

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It’s time to stop being a people pleaser!

Are you a people pleaser? Do you find yourself always worrying about how other people see you? Do you do or say things that you don’t really want to just to gain the approval or validation of other people?

Pleasing others is something that I have struggled with throughout my life. Saying and doing what I thought others wanted or expected of me in an attempt to avoid conflict. I didn’t want to be perceived as uncaring, rude or selfish. I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

So what is really going on here?

Generally, the need to please others is deeply rooted in a fear of rejection, fear of failure, or both.

Fear of rejection is the thought that if we don’t do everything we can to make a person happy then they will leave or stop loving us. This fear usually originates in early relationships where love may have been conditional or where an important person in our lives rejected or abandoned us.

Fear of failure is the feeling that if you disappoint others by letting them down, you will be punished. Fear of failure can arise from childhood experiences where small mistakes resulted in severe or drastic punishment.

To deal with these anxiety provoking underlying thoughts and beliefs that developed when we were young, we strive to make sure that we do everything we can to please those around us.

No one has the right People PleaserAlthough it’s nice to care about other people and do nice things for them, we can’t exchange our own values and sense of self-worth for it. When we are putting the needs and wants of others ahead of our own, we are really sacrificing our own happiness. We are not living a life that is true to our self.

Below are a few tips to help you ensure that your actions are congruent with your own beliefs.

  1. Re-discover your own needs and values, and stick by them: What are your needs, values and goals? It’s time to realize what is truly important to you. Think of some times when you felt happy, proud and fulfilled. Accept that your needs are just as important and valid as other people’s. No one is going to come along and fight for our needs for us; that’s our responsibility and ours alone.
  1. Don’t apologize: People pleasers apologize a lot as if everything is their fault. Your partner didn’t sleep well last night? There isn’t any food in the fridge? You are not responsible if someone didn’t sleep (unless you had the music going all night). It is not your purpose in life to make sure there is always food in the fridge. Next time you feel you are about to apologize – DON’T.
  1. Stop Feeling Responsible for the Emotions of Others: Similar to #2, we must remember that we are not responsible for how others feel. If you say “no” to a friend and that makes her mad, that’s her issue – not yours. Your values and opinions are yours and you have them in place for a reason. You should not pretend to be something you’re not just because you don’t want to offend or upset someone.
  1. Stop Basing Your Self-Worth on Approval from Others: Our self-image is a picture in our mind of what we think we are like. As a people pleaser we might see ourselves as a good person with decent values who cares about other people. In an effort to feel approved of and feel loved, we are always seeking validation of our self image. Seeking this approval means our own self-worth is determined by what other people think of us. Remind yourself that you don’t need this external approval to believe that you are a worthy person.Say yes to others People Pleaser
  1. Learn to Say NO: Many of us were raised to believe that if we said “no” it meant that we were selfish and people might not like us. Sometimes saying “no” to someone else means we are saying “yes” to ourselves. This does not make you a bad person or unlikable. If anything it will gain respect from others as they see that you care enough about yourself to set healthy boundaries – and you aren’t afraid to stick to them. You can find tips on asserting yourself here 

9 Assertiveness Techniques To Help Reinforce Your Personal Boundaries

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Assertiveness Techniques used to set your boundaries.

Boundaries act as stop signs or borders you install to protect your energy, resources, time, and personal integrity. They make a clear statement that you are in charge of these things. Boundaries essentially define who you are. If you treasure yourself, it is important that you put good boundaries in place. You must be clear where you end and others begin.

Boundaries and Assertiveness Techniques1Some boundaries are flexible like a fence with a gate. You may choose to let someone in when you are ready. Other boundaries are inflexible, as a fence with no gate. For instance, inappropriate touch would be something requiring an inflexible boundary.

Anxiety plays a part in how our boundaries function. If anxiety is high, we lose track of what our need is in face of the need of the other person with whom we want connection in order to feel safe or soothed. Thus we lose our sense of self due to anxiety reaching a level that is beyond tolerance. We then look to others as a way to spread the anxiety around or in an attempt to contain it.

Assertiveness helps you communicate with honesty, cultivate authentic relationships, better understand your own feelings and get your needs met. Assertiveness entails having a strong sense of self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries. One of the most important aspects of being verbally assertive is to be persistent about what you want/need WITHOUT getting angry, irritated, or loud.

1. BROKEN RECORD TECHNIQUE: This procedure is used to break the belief and habit pattern that makes what you say dependent upon what someone else says first. This old habit is based on our belief that when someone speaks to us, we should have an answer and should respond specifically to whatever the other person says.

  • Keep saying what you want to say
  • Ignore all side issues brought up by the other
  • Use calm repetition

The purpose is to communicate repeatedly to the person we are asserting to. “I will not be put off. I can and will do this all day until the desired result is achieved.” Parents should know that children do this very well!
A workable compromise is okay if self-esteem in not relinquished.

2. FOGGING OR CLOUDING: This works well when dealing with negative criticism and also reduces frequency of criticism from others. It sets up psychological distance and boundary lines between you and the person you fog.

  • “You people never get anything right!” Answer: “You seem quite frustrated, Let’s see how we can work this out.”

You do not respond to the critic’s statement that has the negative implication that you are incompetent, faulty, or guilty. You simply respond to the affect, which in this case is that he is angry.

3. NEGATIVE INQUIRY: Useful mostly with people with whom you are close. This allows you to distinguish between the truth that people tell you about yourself and the manipulative structure of right or wrong they try to impose on you.

You do not respond to the critic’s statements of wrongdoing with denial, defensiveness or counter-manipulate with criticism of them. You do break the manipulative cycle by actively promoting further criticism of you or prompt more information about the statements of wrongdoing in an unemotional, low-key manner.

  • “I don’t understand what it is about my going fishing that is bad.” Purpose: This approach prompts the critic to examine his/her own structure of right and wrong.
  • “How is it that you see me as being opinionated?”
  • “You say that I do not appreciate you. Tell me some more so I might understand your concern.”

4. NEGATIVE ASSERTION: Acknowledgement- Hold the excused! – This allows you to look truthfully at your behavior and own your mistakes without justifying or defending yourself.

  • “You are right, I was careless about locking up.”

This skill promotes self-acceptance and minimizes the critic’s anger and hostility. When there is no argument or defense offered there is nothing to push against. Therefore, the situation and emotions don’t escalate.

5. PUTTING THE BALL BACK IN THEIR COURT: This is an effective way of putting off inappropriate questions.

  • “Why do you need to know?”
  • “Why would you ask such a question?”

6. ASSERTING YOUR RIGHT NOT TO ANSWER THE QUESTION:

  • “I do not feel comfortable answering that question.”

7. MOMENTARY DELAY:

  • “That’s interesting. Let me think about that for a minute.”
  • “I don’t quite understand, would you repeat that?”

8. TIME OUT:

  • “I will have to think about my answer and bet back to you on that.”
  • “Time out, I’m upset right now. I know I will be better able to deal with this tomorrow.”
  • I think what we are talking about is important and I’d like to talk to you about it some more tomorrow.”

This is very affirming to the other person, yet it sets a limit on the conversation.
If the other person demands an answer you can say, “If you must have an answer now, the answer is “No.”

9. PROBING OR CLARIFYING: Useful when you cannot tell if the criticism is constructive or manipulative when you do not understand the criticism, or when you think you’re not getting the whole story. To do this pick out the part of the criticism the critic feels most strongly about.

  • “What is it that bothers you about my…? (for instance, “about my work?”)
  • “What is it that bothers you about me leaving the office at five each night?”

Keep probing in a non-defensive way until you are very clear on exactly what the criticism is. You can then thank the person for explaining the situation to you. You have not defended, nor have you plead guilty. You have heard the person out and gotten the critic very clear on what it is that bothers them.

 

 

RESOURCES:
McKay, Matthew, Davis, Martha, and Fanning, Patrick, Messages.
Bower, Gordon and Bower, Sharon, Asserting Yourself.